Grief is a complicated emotion. We typically associate it with the loss of a loved one, but it can show up for many different reasons. We can feel grief when we change jobs, end a relationship, or miss an old version of ourselves. No matter the cause, I have found that understanding the five stages of grief can help us identify what we may be feeling. 

The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle suggests that denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are the five stages of grief. There is no prescribed order with these stages and we might not go through all of them. I like to say that there are no “shoulds” in grief—everyone’s grief is unique. However, these stages can help us to better cope with life and loss. 

1. Denial: denial can include shock, numbness, avoidance, confusion, and fear. It is our body’s way of pacing our feelings of grief and only letting in as much as we can handle. As we continue, the feelings we deny will begin to surface.

2. Anger: anger can include frustration, irritation, and anxiety. It gives temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. It is important to feel the anger that arises because underneath anger is pain. We seek to project our pain onto something else as a distraction.

3. Bargaining: bargaining can include struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, and telling our story. During this stage we can get lost in “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what it was. We can also feel a lot of guilt during this stage.

4. Depression: depression can include overwhelm, helplessness, emptiness, and isolation. Personally I find this to be the hardest stage. It’s when our coping mechanisms fade and we have to face our underlying pain. It might feel scary, but know that it is a normal and appropriate response to loss. It is also a necessary step in the healing process.

5. Acceptance: acceptance can include exploring options, having a new plan in place, and eventually, moving on. Although our grief may never go away completely, this stage helps us to accept our new reality and learn to live with it. It takes time to get to this place and there is no rush.

It is common to oscillate between these stages. As we navigate these emotions, let’s show ourselves patience, compassion, and gentleness. What is your experience with grief? Can you relate to these stages?